The reason you freeze, fight, or fold when it matters has nothing to do with competence.
When you want something that involves other people, it's no longer about just exercising your right. It's about demanding agency. And when you demand agency in social settings, there's always homework.
Without a framework for how to navigate that, your body goes reactive. You feel the loss before you've tried anything.
You freeze. You fight. You fold. None of those are strategic. All of them skip the step of: what's actually possible here, and how do I get there?
Not all situations are the same. Know which one you're in.
You want coffee, you pay the price. No friction. Just do it.
Work discussions. Brainstorming. You have an idea, others disagree. No one has absolute power. You need to navigate without making people defensive.
The other side is the decision maker. They can say no and walk away. But there's a possibility of yes if you make the right case. This is where people react illogically.
You convince yourself it's unwinnable. You accept the loss before you try. But this is a choice you make, not a category that exists. Backing yourself means refusing to accept this frame until you've actually exhausted the paths.
This is the homework. You don't just demand "I want X so give me X." This is what you play in between.
What do you actually want? Be specific.
Who has the power? What do they want? What are they responsible for? What constraints are they under?
It's not yes or no. There are paths. Various shades of no that can be flipped to yes. Your job is to find them.
Give them context. Not to convince them, but to give them the information they need to justify saying yes. Show them you recognize their rules matter. Here's the situation I'm in. I would follow, but here it is. This keeps them from being defensive.
Acknowledge where you're at fault. Propose the solution. When you plead, you put them in the position of being the bad guy if they say no. When you take ownership, you're not making them the villain. You're saying this is on me, I see that, here's my proposal. That's part of not making them defensive.
Hoping: "Any way to get an exception?"
Owning: "I understand the policy. I should have planned for this. Here's what I'll do. Can we work with that?"
Both ask for the same thing. One requests a favor. The other owns the situation and proposes a fix.
I know you have your requirements. But here's who I am. Here's what I did. Here's the transparency. And here's why I think it's reasonable.
You're not demanding. You're not hoping. You're making a case from a place of clarity.
The wanting is the easy part. The work is knowing how to navigate toward it.